A Special Place in Heaven

The following is a transcript of a 911 call:


911 Dispatcher: Clark County 911, what's your emergency?

Woman: Yes, I want to report a person driving drunk.

911 Dispatcher: Are you in front of or behind them?

Woman: I am them.

911 Dispatcher: You am them?

Woman: Yes, I am them.


LOVE it!

Oh, How I Want You

Hello, beautiful, very expensive, perfect, leather handbag. You will be mine one day.

Giddiness

Dear Kimball, Nebraska,

YOU SUCK!!!!

First of all, I don't like you because when I stopped at your one and only convenience store this morning on my way back from Crawford, one of your locals ( I know he was a local because I saw his stupid 71 county license plate) was standing right in front of the Pepsi cups. I politely said excuse me because his crotch was like, inches away from the size of cup I wanted and he said, sure, no problem but didn't freakin' move. Really?? So I grabbed my Pepsi cup and refrained from slamming it into his balls. I should've though. Prick.

And when I was using the bathroom, someone (probably Crotchman's buddy) kept turning the knob. Hello! The sign on the door says if door is locked, the bathroom is occupied. What part of this is so damn hard to understand??

Finally, let's not forget the fiasco in August. So last February I got pulled over on my way through Kimball. I paid the freakin' ticket and forgot about it. Fast forward months later to August. I'm driving in Cheyenne and I get pulled over for speeding. Sidenote--I've never been pulled over as much as I have this past year. Blow. Anyway, so I'm sitting in my car by the cemetery and the cop is taking FOR-FREAKIN'-EVER and when he finally comes back to my car, he's all, well this isn't going to make your day any better. Great. He then explained to me that my driver's license has been suspended. Huh? Jigga what? So he's standin' there flappin' his gums and then I hear February. Nebraska. Speeding. So then I start flappin' my gums telling him what I think must have happened and he's basically like, well that's a great story but I really can't do anything for you. And, by the way, this little driver's license of yours is going into my shirt pocket. Right against these firm pecs of mine--but that's another story. So there I am. Sitting in my car, crying, holding my $575 ticket trying to decide if I should A) have my Mom drive over from Laramie to pick me up, B) call Matt at work to pick me up or C) drive myself and risk being pulled over again and getting arrested or getting in an accident. The answer is B. So he comes and picks me up and I go to the library with him until he gets off work, which gives me time to figure out what the hell is going on. Turns out! Kimball never recorded that I paid the damn ticket. They sent me a letter and emailed me my receipt, but didn't do the other part. So here I am driving with a suspended license for 6 months and not even knowing it! After about 50 phone calls, I finally got everything squared away and Officer Pretty hand-delivered my unsuspended driver's license to me the next morning.

So, Kimball, Nebraska, SCREW YOU VERY MUCH! AND THANKS FOR THE $3 I WON ON MY LOTTERY TICKET THIS MORNING!

How Sad Life Would Be Without Parodies

Here's a video in response to President Obama's speech to the children of the nation.

Pet Peeves of the Pisser

I don't have a goat, but if I did, this would totally get it.

Why is it that new buildings install just one or two pieces of automatic equipment in their restrooms? It doesn't make sense! I mean, if you're gonna go sensored, GO ALL SENSORED! It only makes sense that a public restroom would have an automatic soap dispenser, an automatic faucet, an automatic towel dispenser AND an automatic toilet flusher, not just one or the other.

And don't even get me started on the automatic toilet flushers. Those things can be dangerous. How many times has your chapstick or keys or phone slipped out of your pocket while you're getting up off the pooper? With these newfangled automatic pooper flushers, you're screwed. You can kiss your pee-soaked belongings goodbye. Because let's be honest, who doesn't want their pee-soaked chapstick back?

I Can Feel It

I'm still sad. And angry. I can feel it in my body. I can see it when I look in the mirror every morning. That happiness, that passion that I used to see in my eyes is gone. The radiance in my skin and hair is absent. How could it be there? I've lost two of the most important people in my life.

I must say I've done remarkably well going ahead with my life, even though this really isn't my style. The last breakup I went through had me in my pajamas for a month. This time I refuse to be that person. I will, under no circumstances, let the people who have hurt me have that much power over me. I'm enrolled in school. I go to class everyday and I love what I'm learning. I've made new friends. I go out on the weekends and have fabulous times. I have goals and aspirations. I just haven't quite found the inspiration to accomplish them yet. My heart hurts. It feels like it's been broken into a million pieces once and then once again.

Why did it happen like this? Was it a refining fire in my life? I grew tired of being put down all the time. My decisions are not to be taken personally. They are mine, not yours. And You, oh how I miss You. You taught me so much. You made me laugh, you made me think, you made me grateful, you brought to me tears of joy, you brought me You and most importantly, You brought me a piece of me. A piece of me I wasn't sure existed.

And, so here I am. Me. A me that didn't realize the strength that was within me. A me that temporarily lost her passion but refuses to live without it again. A me that forgot who her true support system was. A me that loves myself, even though it isn't always easy to find that love. A me that is Me.