A Special Place in Heaven

The following is a transcript of a 911 call:


911 Dispatcher: Clark County 911, what's your emergency?

Woman: Yes, I want to report a person driving drunk.

911 Dispatcher: Are you in front of or behind them?

Woman: I am them.

911 Dispatcher: You am them?

Woman: Yes, I am them.


LOVE it!

Oh, How I Want You

Hello, beautiful, very expensive, perfect, leather handbag. You will be mine one day.

Giddiness

Dear Kimball, Nebraska,

YOU SUCK!!!!

First of all, I don't like you because when I stopped at your one and only convenience store this morning on my way back from Crawford, one of your locals ( I know he was a local because I saw his stupid 71 county license plate) was standing right in front of the Pepsi cups. I politely said excuse me because his crotch was like, inches away from the size of cup I wanted and he said, sure, no problem but didn't freakin' move. Really?? So I grabbed my Pepsi cup and refrained from slamming it into his balls. I should've though. Prick.

And when I was using the bathroom, someone (probably Crotchman's buddy) kept turning the knob. Hello! The sign on the door says if door is locked, the bathroom is occupied. What part of this is so damn hard to understand??

Finally, let's not forget the fiasco in August. So last February I got pulled over on my way through Kimball. I paid the freakin' ticket and forgot about it. Fast forward months later to August. I'm driving in Cheyenne and I get pulled over for speeding. Sidenote--I've never been pulled over as much as I have this past year. Blow. Anyway, so I'm sitting in my car by the cemetery and the cop is taking FOR-FREAKIN'-EVER and when he finally comes back to my car, he's all, well this isn't going to make your day any better. Great. He then explained to me that my driver's license has been suspended. Huh? Jigga what? So he's standin' there flappin' his gums and then I hear February. Nebraska. Speeding. So then I start flappin' my gums telling him what I think must have happened and he's basically like, well that's a great story but I really can't do anything for you. And, by the way, this little driver's license of yours is going into my shirt pocket. Right against these firm pecs of mine--but that's another story. So there I am. Sitting in my car, crying, holding my $575 ticket trying to decide if I should A) have my Mom drive over from Laramie to pick me up, B) call Matt at work to pick me up or C) drive myself and risk being pulled over again and getting arrested or getting in an accident. The answer is B. So he comes and picks me up and I go to the library with him until he gets off work, which gives me time to figure out what the hell is going on. Turns out! Kimball never recorded that I paid the damn ticket. They sent me a letter and emailed me my receipt, but didn't do the other part. So here I am driving with a suspended license for 6 months and not even knowing it! After about 50 phone calls, I finally got everything squared away and Officer Pretty hand-delivered my unsuspended driver's license to me the next morning.

So, Kimball, Nebraska, SCREW YOU VERY MUCH! AND THANKS FOR THE $3 I WON ON MY LOTTERY TICKET THIS MORNING!

How Sad Life Would Be Without Parodies

Here's a video in response to President Obama's speech to the children of the nation.

Pet Peeves of the Pisser

I don't have a goat, but if I did, this would totally get it.

Why is it that new buildings install just one or two pieces of automatic equipment in their restrooms? It doesn't make sense! I mean, if you're gonna go sensored, GO ALL SENSORED! It only makes sense that a public restroom would have an automatic soap dispenser, an automatic faucet, an automatic towel dispenser AND an automatic toilet flusher, not just one or the other.

And don't even get me started on the automatic toilet flushers. Those things can be dangerous. How many times has your chapstick or keys or phone slipped out of your pocket while you're getting up off the pooper? With these newfangled automatic pooper flushers, you're screwed. You can kiss your pee-soaked belongings goodbye. Because let's be honest, who doesn't want their pee-soaked chapstick back?

I Can Feel It

I'm still sad. And angry. I can feel it in my body. I can see it when I look in the mirror every morning. That happiness, that passion that I used to see in my eyes is gone. The radiance in my skin and hair is absent. How could it be there? I've lost two of the most important people in my life.

I must say I've done remarkably well going ahead with my life, even though this really isn't my style. The last breakup I went through had me in my pajamas for a month. This time I refuse to be that person. I will, under no circumstances, let the people who have hurt me have that much power over me. I'm enrolled in school. I go to class everyday and I love what I'm learning. I've made new friends. I go out on the weekends and have fabulous times. I have goals and aspirations. I just haven't quite found the inspiration to accomplish them yet. My heart hurts. It feels like it's been broken into a million pieces once and then once again.

Why did it happen like this? Was it a refining fire in my life? I grew tired of being put down all the time. My decisions are not to be taken personally. They are mine, not yours. And You, oh how I miss You. You taught me so much. You made me laugh, you made me think, you made me grateful, you brought to me tears of joy, you brought me You and most importantly, You brought me a piece of me. A piece of me I wasn't sure existed.

And, so here I am. Me. A me that didn't realize the strength that was within me. A me that temporarily lost her passion but refuses to live without it again. A me that forgot who her true support system was. A me that loves myself, even though it isn't always easy to find that love. A me that is Me.

My Latest Addiction

I love reading the wedding announcements in the New York Times. I'm used to seeing people with these fabulous lives and educations and careers in movies and such, but when I read these, they become real! I mean, there are actually people out there, ordinary people, who are researching cures for cancer, acting on Broadway, doctors, lawyers and living life. They have these tremendous educations from Yale, Harvard, MIT and they're looking for love, well actually they've found it already. I just think it's interesting that regardless of where we live, where we went to school or what career path we choose, we all have one thing in common: We want to find that one true love.

As a sidenote, I've also developed an interest in Judaism. I want to learn more about that religion and there are tons of Jewish people in New York.

Miracles Come with Vibrating Wands

This stuff is freaking amazing! I'm not one to mess around with bases and primers and all that jazz, but this stuff makes my eyelashes look like, 6 inches long, I swear. I thought the whole vibrating mascara wand would be dangerous, but it's not bad at all. You just put it on before your regular mascara--which by-the-by can be any brand. LOVE IT!

How Grateful I am...

...to have a President that understands just how important it is to let the children of America know how wonderful they are and how much each and everyone of them is capable of achieving. President Obama's speech was truly inspirational. Not every child is fortunate enough to have parents to tell them that it is their responsibility to do well in school. Not every parent is fortunate enough to be so eloquent in telling their children this, either. I personally don't understand why anyone would not want to watch this speech and especially not want their children to watch it. But that's ok. I don't need to understand that. They're the ones that are missing out on a beautiful, eloquent speech and lesson. We are an extremely fortunate country to have a President that will speak to the children, not belittle them and hold them accountable for their decisions and lives.

The President's speech was geared toward school-age children, but I think every single person can take gain from listening to his speech. We all have to take responsibility for ourselves and our future. It doesn't matter if we're still in school or not. This may seem very simple to some, but for others, this is a hard lesson to learn. My only hope is that those people watch this speech and feel inspired because of it.

Irony

Isn't it ironic that Matt said, "I love you" but apparently doesn't. I never said it, but I did (or do).

Project Britney Spears to Commence

I started my PE class for the fall. It's Individualized Fitness online a.k.a a PE class that I can totally fake my way through because there's no way my progress can be graded through the journals I turn in every Monday.

HOWEVER

I'm not gonna be that girl. Nope. I was thinking about Britney Spears the other day. Judge me all you want, but I like her. That's right. We're BFFs. She even sings a song about me called "If you seek Amy". Her boss made her spell my name like that though because it's easier for people to spell. Douchenozzle. Anyway, I think she has a killer body. She's also 5'3. Wait a second! So am I! This is when it dawned on me!

I HAVE THE SAME BODY AS BRITNEY FREAKIN' SPEARS!!!!

You just can't tell. But whatever. Minor detail. That's why today is the first day of Project Britney Spears.

So far, so good. I exercised. Haven't eaten any crap. I change my mind frequently. I know, I know. Everyone's thinkin', "Wait. What?" But I heard once that she worked up to doing 1500 situps three times a week to get her abs. Today is a day that I'm like, yeah, it's totally worth it. I'll work my way up to 1500! I started with 25.

So anyway, Go Miz Britney! Go Miz Aimee!

At Noon on Tuesday

I'm a little confused as to why many people don't want their children to hear President Obama's message tomorrow. According to http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/, the President will be telling students across the nation that they need to work hard, earn good grades and get a good education.

Regardless of what one feels Obama is doing (or not doing) for our country, it is pertinent that millions of children hear his message tomorrow. Since when is it not a good idea for children to hear from a successful, outside source that it's important for them to stay in school and do well?

Furthermore, President Obama has only been in office for a mere nine months. People are expecting miracles. Never once were miracles promised during the campaign. Give the man a chance. No one--not a Democrat, not a Republican, not an Independent--would ever be able to bring this country out of a recession in less than a year.

Until President Obama does something that is extremely detrimental to our country and its citizens, we all need to be more patriotic, turn away from party lines and support our President.

This shiz is funny!

http://bishophiggins.blogspot.com/

Past Six Month Going-Ons

So much has happened in the past six months! It's been absolutely nuts. Some of it has been really good; some of it has been ... well, not so really good. I've decided to make a timeline for myself to see just how much I've overcome.

March 14, 2009 -- I met Matt at a St. Patrick's Day party. Very good thing! :)
March 16, 2009 -- Travel to Nebraska for spring break and come home with a nasty case of tonsillitis.
March 21, 2009 -- Matt and I's first date. It went very well. :)
March 31, 2009 -- Happy Birthday to me. I'm now 28. I got my first bouquet of flowers from a guy! It was one of the best birthdays I've ever had.
April 9, 2009 -- I wake up with a mind-numbing pain in my right side. I end up calling my Mom at work and have her take me to the ER. Turns out I had a gallbladder attack and it needs to be removed. My Mom and I decide it's best to wait until the end of the semester to get it removed so that I can finish classes. Not the best idea. I'm sent home with a good supply of Vicodin.
April 10, 2009 - April 30, 2009 -- Matt and I are still together. He's still treating my like a queen and things are going very well. The gallbladder pain is so frequent that I'm taking Vicodin on a daily basis. If there happens to not be any pain, it's just downright uncomfortable. It's becoming apparent that I should've just gotten the surgery right away. As it is now, my grades and work performance are affected.
May 1, 2009 -- I move out of my apartment and in with my Mom. I'm having surgery May 18, which means I can't get a new job and I can't go to school. No job and no school = No money.
May 18, 2009 -- Surgery is a success! It was complete with one hot male nurse and one removal of a gallbladder.
May 20, 2009 -- Throat is so swollen, I can't breathe. Back to the ER and two days later, back to the ER. Tonsillitis has come back.
June 5, 2009 -- After two weeks of recovery time, I'm finally feeling well enough to spend the weekend in Cheyenne with Matt. We really enjoy cooking together and watching Arrested Development and going window shopping. May not sound too exciting, but we really like it and we like being together. He keeps telling me he has "strong feelings" for me and then one night after joking around about Asian hookers saying, "I do you long time." (Inside joke) he says to me, "I love you long time." Being taken by surprise, I don't really know what to say, so when I say, "What?" he stutters, stammers and changes the subject. Hmmm...
June 8, 2009 -- Start my job search. Yeah, they say the job market is really tough, but it can't be that bad, can it? Turns out it can.
July 7, 2009 -- After sending out dozens of resumes and cover letters with no interview, I accept a job at Dillards. Ugh. Not my idea of a good time.
July 23, 2009 -- I. DO. NOT. LIKE. THIS. JOB. AT. ALL. I'm treated like an imbecile, the pay is terrible and the hours are ridiculous. I dread going to work every day and after two girls I work with walk out, it's becoming brutally apparent that I will not be able to go to school if I keep this job. Matt seems a little distant. I notice that his face doesn't light up when I walk in the room anymore and while he still treats my like a queen, it seems like more of a task for him than him just wanting to treat me well. I think he's going through a mid-life crisis. It seems like he doesn't know if he wants to be 20 or 40.
August 7, 2009 -- And I'm done with Dillards. Maybe not the best decision I've ever made, but what's done is done and now I can focus on school this fall and visiting my Grandpa before school starts. He's not doing so hot these days.
August 10-13, 2009 -- In Nebraska with my Grandpa. I love being at home with him, but I also love knowing that I have a life in Cheyenne that I'm excited to get back to. He and I go to the doctor and after a long day, feel like he can get a hold on his diabetes and blood pressure problems.
August 18, 2009 -- I get pulled over for speeding in Cheyenne. Ugh, just my luck. As it turns out, when I was on my way home from Nebraska in January, I got a speeding ticket in Kimball, paid it and forgot about it. Well, somehow Nebraska screwed up their paperwork and never recorded my payment. So when I got pulled over in Cheyenne, the cop said my driver's license had been suspended. Double ugh. After about 20 phone calls, I finally got my license back. Actually, the cop hand delivered it.
August 19-23, 2009 -- I stop at Matt's on my way to Laramie. He breaks up with me saying, "This isn't working anymore." He breaks my poor little heart. He says he can't give me what I want. He doesn't know if he wants to get married and have kids. I control my emotions as he talks. It all seems so surreal. As I walk out of his apartment, I look back at him and start crying. I thought he was "The One". As I cry, he comes over to me and holds me, rubbing my back and shoulders and keeps telling me that he's sorry. I finally leave. As I walk away, I look back. He has one hand to his cheek, wiping something away. Was it a tear? Was it just an itch? I'll never know.
August 25, 2009 -- School starts. I LOVE my classes! It feels really good to be doing something that is helping me to be a better individual. Not to mention it's nice to have something healthy to focus on.
September 6, 2009 -- Happy Labor Day! I'm in Nebraska enjoying time with my Mom and Grandpa. We're still worried about him, but his vitals seem to be better. I'm looking forward to days of happiness and contentedness. I hope they come soon.

Dangerous Mormon

According to an article, the three types of people that threaten the membership of the LDS Church are:

INTELLECTUALS

HOMOSEXUALS

FEMINISTS

These people are considered to be "dangerous".
Uh oh. I'm an intellectual, a feminist and I support equal rights of homosexuals. Danger is my middle name.

Who Needs Their Gall Bladder Anyway?

Today has been quite the day for me! I woke up to the most awful, hellish, stabbing, sharp, dull, cramping pain in my stomach this morning. It was so bad that I was literally screaming in pain. Poor Mae didn't know what to think. It wasn't getting any better and I was sweating buckets so I called my Mom at work so that she could come get me and take me to the ER.

Once we got there, they put me on a heavy duty Morphine-like pain killer which was really the highlight of my day. They also put a nausea medicine in my IV. After they took some blood tests and did an ultrasound, the doctor told my that I have gall stones. What I had this morning was a gall bladder attack. Apparently, these attacks are only going to get worse and more frequent and the only way to fix it is to have it removed.

It's actually a very simple (but insanely expensive) procedure which is often done as an outpatient procedure with a possibility of a night's stay in the hospital. Although it's a simple laproscopic operation, the recuperation time is about a week. This means no work and no school. Unfortunately, that's not really feasible for me right now so I've elected to wait to have the operation once the semester is done. In the meantime, I have a nice supply of Vicodin in case I have another attack. Hopefully, I'll be able to hold out until May. Otherwise, things are going to be crazy stressful from having surgery and missing a week's worth of school and work.

So yeah, how's that for an eventful Thursday?

Motivation

It's A Girl!

For those of you that know me well, you know that I've been considering adoption for awhile now. I've had a difficult time trying to decide if I'm ready to take such a big step in my life, but the fact is, I'm going to be 28 this month and I'm tired of waiting for the perfect circumstances because in reality, things are never going to be absolutely perfect. I'm not getting any younger and I feel like I have my life in order, so I've decided to make this commitment. While I was in Crawford this past week, I unexpectedly got the chance to make this dream of mine come true. It all happened so fast, but I am so happy.

Her name is Mae and she will be three years old this summer. She has adjusted well to her new life here in Laramie and we are now a happy little family of two.

That Terri Clark Sure Knows What She's Talking About

So I'm back in Nebraska for spring break and I was listening to Terri Clark's "You're Easy on the Eyes" and thought to myself, "Wow. This is exactly how I feel about Jim Bob*." Here are the lyrics. I put the most poignant lines in bold for your convenience.

Should've known it was you
Knocking on my door
At a half past a heartache, quarter to four
Were you starting to worry I was finally getting over you?

I almost forgot you looked so fine
If you told me some lies it'd be like old times
Just getting to see you is almost worth the things you do

You're easy on the eyes
Hard on the heart
You look so good but the way things look ain't the way the are
Better say goodbye before we go too far
Cause now I realize you're easy on the eyes
Hard on the heart

I've got to admit you've got a smile
That really reeled me in for a while
But it ain't funny, honey what you put me through
So why don't you send me your photograph?
It would hurt a lot less than taking you back
Then I could still have my favorite part of you

You're easy on the eyes
Hard on the heart
You look so good but the way things look ain't the way the are
Better say goodbye before we go too far
Cause now I realize you're easy on the eyes
Hard on the heart

You're easy on the eyes
Hard on the heart
You look so good but the way things look ain't the way the are
Better say goodbye before we go too far
Cause now I realize you're easy on the eyes
Hard on the heart

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of certain bastards

It's About Freaking Time!

According to the New York Times, Bernie Madoff was finally thrown in the slammer after he plead guilty to multiple charges. He was responsible for stealing billions of dollars from his clients. He sent them fake statements every month so that they wouldn't be suspicious of any wrongdoings. After the news leaked that Madoff had actually stolen billions of dollars from his clients, a number of them committed suicide because all of a sudden, they had nothing left. Now I'm not saying that Madoff is responsible for the decisions these people made, but it just shows how extremely screwed up our government and judicial system are when this man's punishment for months was to be on house arrest in his multi-million dollar home above Central Park in NYC even though he was solely responsible for destroying the lives of many. As far as I'm concerned, they can throw the keys to his jail cell in the Hudson.

You Know It's Time...

...To do the dishes when you eat ice cream with a measuring spoon.

Rant

I do not care for this time change one bit. I didn't even hear about it and then I woke up late this morning and it took me an hour to notice that my alarm clock and my phone had two different times on them. This day has gone by so fast and I only accomplished two things on my to-do list. Sad, sad situation.

3rd Week Update

Welp, I'm going into my third week as a vegetarian. Definitely one of the best decisions I've ever made. I feel so much better and healthier and lighter. I really haven't missed eating meat as much as I thought I would. The thought of eating meat seems more disgusting every day that I go without it. Especially poultry.

I've found that I love eggplant! I make a mean Eggplant Parmesan and I also really like curried eggplant over rice. So good! Soups are a great way to go when I don't feel like cooking. I have a great recipe for a low fat corn chowder which I try to keep in my fridge during the week and also a vegetable soup which is really good. And if I want to give it some more substance, I can add whole wheat pasta or Morningstar Veggie Crumbles. Which, by the way, I love Morningstar products! Especially their corndogs. They're soooo good! I could eat them everyday. No joke. Of course, I don't since they don't really contain any vegetables at all and they're processed, but man are they good!

So anyway, I've very happy with this lifestyle change I've made and I'm excited to keep going with it.

"Did you take my quarters, Bitch?"

I love my Mom. She is my best friend. We've of course been through some rough times, but the older I get, the closer we get. Sometimes I feel embarrassed that I spend so much time with her, but the truth is that there isn't really anyone else I'd like to spend so much time with. We share the same sense of humor. For instance, I was doing my laundry at her apartment and I couldn't find my quarters so I went into the laundry room where she was and asked, "Did you take my quarters, Bitch?" We started laughing uncontrollably. In the community laundry room. We just have so much fun together.

I'm so grateful for her and the things she has taught me. She is the most amazing woman. She's extremely intelligent, beautiful, independent, opinionated, strong, funny, spiritual, hard working, family oriented and lovable.

She means the world to me and I'm so fortunate to be her daughter. I love her with all my heart.

Proof That I'm Cool

I was at Walmart the other night and I couldn't help but notice this card as I walked by.



Being the extremely cool and literate person that I am, at first glance I thought the card said, "If you stroke for a long time ..." Did I mention I'm also curious? So there I am standing in the middle of Walmart rubbing a card and nothing is happening (I keep telling myself this isn't a precursor for things in the future). Since I was getting bored, I re-read the card and realized my mistake.

I promptly put the card back, looked around to make sure no one saw me and walked off... not before I took a picture of the card though!

This Toothbrush Rocks My World

http://www.colgate.com/app/Colgate360/US/EN/Products/Original.cvsp

No Meat for You!

It's official. As of February 16, 2009, I am becoming a vegetarian.

This is something I've been contemplating for a couple years now and I've finally decided to do it. Lately, the thought of eating any kind of meat sickens me to the point I can't even bring myself to eating it.

This past week I bought a vegetarian cookbook and have been studying it. Yesterday, I spent the morning grocery shopping and today, I got ready for the week by making a couple different dishes. I made a curried eggplant dish (which I liked, but my mom -- not so much.) and corn chowder, which is so delicious I'm pretty sure I could eat it for all three meals everyday.

So I'm all ready for the week and don't have plans to eat a single ounce of meat! I'm excited! This has been a long time coming.

Seriously. Can't. Handle. It.

So I know it's been a super long time since I've posted on here, but I really want to get back into posting regularly. Especially now since I'm deleting my Facebook profile. I wouldn't want all of you to not be in the know of all things Aimee related! I'm thinking I can handle blogging more often. What I can't handle is RODENTS IN MY WALLS, CEILING AND STORAGE PLACES!

What the freakin' crap?! Most of you know these two things about me. 1) I just moved into a new apartment. An apartment that I don't have to share with anyone! I'm still getting used to this. I've lived with people for so long. And 2) I HATE mice, rats, squirrels, anything rodent-ish. I am so insanely scared of them! I mean, I sometimes go out of my way to avoid squirrels if I see them on my way to campus. I think if I were ever in a face-off with a rodent of some type, I would just pass out.

I know all of you are probably laughing hysterically right now, but imagine my fright when I was laying (is it laying or lying?)in bed one night and heard something scurrying around in my wall! No joke! I've heard it just about every other night and it eventually stops and I fall asleep. Well tonight, I was sitting at my desk in my living room doing homework a.k.a looking at Facebook before I close my account tomorrow night and that scurrying noise had moved to my living room! Except it was louder and it sounded like it was coming from my ceiling AND my walls AND these storage spaces that are located in my walls!

With all of that said and the basic knowledge of my fear of rodents -- especially UNKNOWN SPECIES of rodents, I will be staying at my Mom's tonight because I Seriously. Can't. Handle. It.